So, I was looking for something in some files tonight and it was something I hadn't seen in awhile, so I opened a box looking for it. I didn't find what I was looking for, but I did find another load of memories. It's amazing the things you keep over the course of a relationship... cards, letters, notes, trinkets, etc. When I found them, I was struck reading them all, I couldn't stop myself. I read through them for over 40 minutes. I expected a lot of pain, but I only found a little. I'm making progress, I guess.
It has been over six months now. I've been on dates, but to be honest, I haven't felt anything with any of them. I find myself wondering if my heart is just too scarred right now to love someone new and find that joy again. I wonder if it's just a matter of finding the right person that will open up my heart to someone new. I don't know. It's probably some combination of both.
Back to the box, reading through all of those cards, letters, and notes was a trip down memory lane. I could remember the little things that had inspired them. The little bumps in the road, the challenges we faced, etc. I also read through a bound book she gave me for my birthday. She had organized and printed all of our emails from the first three or so months of our relationship and bound them. Our song was on the inside cover. I read through the emails (about 35 pages, we were quite prolific). I was struck by how immature some of the emails struck me. On both of our parts, we seemed completely caught up in the romance of our relationship. I'm torn in I don't know if our love really was immature (it was by far our most serious and intense relationship) or if it was something else. Was our love that amazing that those statements of never-ending love (ha!), need, want, desire, etc, were reasonable? Would I fall as hard and as completely today? I doubt it, I've been jaded now and don't know that I'm capable of that type of love.
One thing is clear, I certainly put my all into the relationship. The emails I wrote are often so amazingly over-the-top romantic... they still strike me as amazing and heartfelt, if somewhat immature. I don't know, I'm clearly not an objective observer. Who knows why we do the things in our relationships? Especially, how do we know that in retrospect? Would we do that differently now? Did we learn from our experiences?
Overall, one thing I said many times in the emails still rings true to me. I will forever be different for the experiences we shared. I will live the rest of my life knowing the depth that love can reach. My life will forever be richer for that experience, regardless of how it ended. I will always think fondly of the time we shared. Everyone should be so lucky as to experience what I once had.
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